Regarding the Fine Art of Whacking People with Canes
Yesterday's post may have left the impression that I'm prone to fits of violence with my cane, whacking annoying teenagers on trains, etc.
This is only partly true.
I never whack anybody who doesn't deserve it. Unlike, say, L., who has been known to use balloons to assault perfectly innocent people watching animals at the zoo, I have never once used my cane to whack somebody who was not in bad need of being whacked.
The cane has been an intermittent necessity for the past 18 months or so. I'm not using it right now, but it is nearby, just in case. It's a good cane, which I bought near Osaka Station in Japan, about 17 or 18 years ago, when, for no clear reason, both of my knees had swollen to the point of being useless. If one has a pair of Vice Grips handy, the cane telescopes neatly into itself, and can fit into a carry on bag.
However, I've found the cane is wonderful in airports. You get on the plane first, security becomes entirely reasonable and solicitous, and, if you look otherwise reasonably young and healthy, like I do, people are actually weirded out enough that they leave you entirely alone.
Now, the cane comes most in handy in crowds. I probably whacked the most people with it in Venice, where the crowds were simply out of hand. Hey, I'm walking with a cane here--why did you just step right in front of me and push?
The lovely thing is, you can whack with great subtlety. Absolutely take out someone's ankle, and then simply smile and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this thing yet."
And they forgive you and stay out of your way.
Canes are highly useful in crowded elevators, plus you don't have to use your own fingers to push the buttons--who knows where those buttons have been.
In Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams says you should always travel with a towel, but I'd take the cane instead. It makes you respectable. It gets you to the head of every line. You get better tables in restaurants. With a little practice and some old Fred Astaire movies for inspiration the cane can be quite entertaining while you're waiting for a bus.
Fend off dogs, children, and other small animals.
And in crowds, you can whack people from quite a distance, and they'll never know it was you.
Never.
Because when they look around, you're there innocently leaning on the thing.
Travel, of course, is always a learning experience.
This is only partly true.
I never whack anybody who doesn't deserve it. Unlike, say, L., who has been known to use balloons to assault perfectly innocent people watching animals at the zoo, I have never once used my cane to whack somebody who was not in bad need of being whacked.
The cane has been an intermittent necessity for the past 18 months or so. I'm not using it right now, but it is nearby, just in case. It's a good cane, which I bought near Osaka Station in Japan, about 17 or 18 years ago, when, for no clear reason, both of my knees had swollen to the point of being useless. If one has a pair of Vice Grips handy, the cane telescopes neatly into itself, and can fit into a carry on bag.
However, I've found the cane is wonderful in airports. You get on the plane first, security becomes entirely reasonable and solicitous, and, if you look otherwise reasonably young and healthy, like I do, people are actually weirded out enough that they leave you entirely alone.
Now, the cane comes most in handy in crowds. I probably whacked the most people with it in Venice, where the crowds were simply out of hand. Hey, I'm walking with a cane here--why did you just step right in front of me and push?
The lovely thing is, you can whack with great subtlety. Absolutely take out someone's ankle, and then simply smile and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this thing yet."
And they forgive you and stay out of your way.
Canes are highly useful in crowded elevators, plus you don't have to use your own fingers to push the buttons--who knows where those buttons have been.
In Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams says you should always travel with a towel, but I'd take the cane instead. It makes you respectable. It gets you to the head of every line. You get better tables in restaurants. With a little practice and some old Fred Astaire movies for inspiration the cane can be quite entertaining while you're waiting for a bus.
Fend off dogs, children, and other small animals.
And in crowds, you can whack people from quite a distance, and they'll never know it was you.
Never.
Because when they look around, you're there innocently leaning on the thing.
Travel, of course, is always a learning experience.
posted by e. Readicker-Henderson at 4:23 PM
1 Comments:
And then there was the time I almost tripped over my cane, which might have re-broken my foot. Alas, I never had a chance to use it at an airport. It's still around, though, waiting patiently for my next encounter with ice. Around somewhere; sometimes children get a hold of it. Once Lilly spent part of a day playing lame.
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